Afternoon trendsetters, another chapter that I have been thinking of for a while. I started this believe it or not at 35000 feet on a Qantas A380 on my way to the UK with Adelle and a quickly organised White Christmas trip.
I don’t know if it is just me, but I lose my way every now and then and forgot what direction if anything I am going. I need direction, purpose and Goals. Any of my former bosses reading this would raise their eyebrows at Goals, because I am unable to really set them. I have targets but refuse to set timelines, because in most things I want to achieve, I can’t plan for all contingencies. I am not OCD, ADHD or anything like that, I just like to achieve. I want to get my Golf Handicap back to single figures (21 last year with a swing change, 14 now, pleasing but not there), I wanted to retire from full time work at 55 (8 months to go but a GFC wasn’t kind). Things like that. I am sure that a lot of my ex Navy colleagues are in the same boat. A lot harder to control your destiny as a civilian than it was in Grey. In Grey, you had a checklist, complete that, keep your nose clean and you will achieve the next rung in the ladder. You control it. Not the same achievement structure coming home every night. But that is the tradeoff we face. Sometimes hard to swallow, but that is it.
I was, and to a degree still am, heavily conflicted with what I want out of this life. That includes the life I chose to leave the Service for. I have a strong desire to find a small coastal village somewhere (maybe no in Australia), and just be that fella that sits in the corner of the bar, always got a half glass, watching the sport of TV and living just a quiet existence. No more decisions of a First World Nature, no more rolling my eyes at these Knuckleheads sitting in the seats of Power, making big about a trivial matter. Just walking up the street, getting the paper, saying good morning to Joe and Mrs Smith, and playing golf twice a week. I know it is not possible as I have commitments, but at the same time it is just getting harder.
My Neurologist says I am managing and living with my Parkinsons quite well, and I shouldn’t be frustrated, but it is frustrating when you come from what I was doing 10 years ago, both at sea and ashore, and now you have times when you can’t put your change in your wallet, you can’t stay out because fatigue causes your body to shut down and you are driving yourself to not let down other members of your family. Despite saying it’s ok, personally it’s not. That is my self indulgent release for this edition.
For those that haven’t been to the Mother Country and continue to travel to Asia, take a punt. I too still miss Asia, as it is comfortable, we can order beers in about 10 languages and we want to show our loved ones where we committed carnage. Having said that, the feeling of comfort and and security whilst walking around the UK was one I have not felt since I left home.
I understand but don’t appreciate why us, when we talk about depression. A lot of us have PTSD but can’t relate a specific incident that caused it. There may not be one, it may be cumulative, long hours high intensity, STG all over us, all contribute. I think a lot of us have Separation anxiety from the loss of structure. Some FIFO workers have a sense of comfort when at work, moreso than at home, because their workplace is a structured environment again. If you’re nodding your head, see someone, VVCS is a good number to contact. Supported by DVA but not part of, so that unease of dealing with DVA is removed.
Gotta go, but I thank everyone on my Facebook page that commented on the last chapter, I might write a book, but mostly the people that get something out of this. We are not doing this alone. This is cleansing for me and helps me focus and enjoy life. If I help someone talk to someone else – Job Done.
Go Roosters, and I will try and liven it up for the next one.
Youngy
Youngy's Yak 
Much love as always – a well written perspective and for a wife of a retired naval man – I totally believe in the PSTD and wish that my loved one would actually go and see someone…. I am so impressed with your strength of character and determination to maintain your life.
GO ROOSTERS 🙂
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